voidgates | IC Inbox

You may consider yourself unremarkable - but what you have done still matters.

[ G'raha carefully strokes his fingers over Ezar's ears, careful in how he pets the other man. ]

You made the decision to continue on, after what happened to you. You made the decision to join the Maelstrom - to help in Ala Mhigo. To protect the citizens there when the fighting started.

That mattered. Continuing on past your failures, too, matters. The strength to keep moving and take one more step.

[ He doesn't know what Ardbert said to Summer, but he's unintentionally mirroring it now. ]

That isn't to say that every choice you made has the same weight as some of ours, no. But you also have no way of knowing how those choices affect others.

[ He leans forward a bit, sighing softly. ]

I think you do not want to be brave, but you still cannot help but be. You could have let Summer fall but you jumped after her. You could have left me alone to fend for myself and you did not.

You can say that's what any good person would do - but I have seen so-called "good" men decide otherwise to save themselves.

Edited 2022-06-29 21:55 (UTC)

A fair lot of good being the damned Warrior of Light did me when we were stuck on that island getting dragged off by an ochu.

[She grumbles, more to herself than for anyone else's benefit.

But in the midst of all this reminiscing, Ezar's protests and G'raha's echo of Ardbert leave her thoughts drifting back, of all things, to Elidibus and his machinations on the first. The crowds of people inspired by the promise of becoming Warriors of Light, and how he'd used that faith to make a second primal of himself, emboldened by the good intentions of people who longed to be brave.

And she thinks of saying: did you always want to be a soldier?, and she can't ask it because part of all this is allowing Ezar to not have to own up to demands of what he wants or doesn't want right now. But she wonders, just the same. Ezar a soldier, G'raha an Exarch, herself a savior. It's what they all are, for better or for worse.

It was Aymeric, she thinks idly, who was the first to ever ask her what she wanted to do. Aymeric, forever faithfully serving his city from behind a desk, when in desire alone he would usually be anywhere but.]

I wonder. If you had the chance...

[She says it thoughtfully, almost tentatively, and focuses for a long time on finding the right words before directing the remainder of the thought at both of them.]

If you could do something for yourself, and it was to be only for your own sake, and you were sure to get it or do it or succeed at it. Do you know what you would choose?

[It's a question that can be answered as simply as with a yes or a no — or answered as elaborately as anyone might care to be.]

[ The urge to argue against someone showering him with so many compliments is a strange one, but extremely strong nonetheless. He feels, deeply, that nothing of what G'raha says can be true; he certainly hasn't ever felt brave.

But there is also little enough he can say without speaking things he knows to be forbidden. The best he can do is tilt his head enough to look up toward G'raha, still careful of his horns. ]

Started my life out runnin' away because I was a coward, and I wasn't nearly the one who suffered the most for it. 's not a matter of bein' brave, what I've done since. I owe too heavy of a debt to stop.

[ Summer's mutter gets a laugh from him, genuine amusement. ]

I'll admit, you weren't what I was expectin' out of the Warrior of Light. You ain't eight fulms tall, and I've not seen you eat anythin' near as exciting as a Voidsent for breakfast.

[ It's not mockery, in his tone. There's the self-deprecation of having been taken in by such stories, but he still smooths his hand over her back like an apology. ]

Like you better as Summer anyway.

[ Her question, though, stymies him. At first, he thinks he knows the answer. ]

Of course, I'd...

[ But then he closes his mouth, exhaling long through his nose. Not even because it's another matter of secrets, but because he realizes he truly doesn't know.

Even a month ago, if she'd asked him such a thing, he would have come up with some nonsense answer and secretly meant that he would find a way to pry this magic that frightens him so badly out of his spirit and relieve himself of that burden forever. Yet he's now known what it's like, for that part of him to be gone. And it didn't feel at all good, like he'd always assumed it would. He'd felt... curiously hollow, deafened and blinded and more... alone than he'd thought possible, in those moments when Summer and G'raha hadn't been around.

He's not sure what that means, really, other than maybe to rid himself of this unwanted gift isn't actually the curative he once thought it would be. ]

I... don't know.

[ He sounds surprised at himself, for saying that. ]

I used to think I did. But... I don't know. [ And on the heels of that realization, another that stills his hand against Summer's back. ] I've spent such time wishing to undo the past that I never much thought about what I might do now.

Edited (missing word) 2022-06-29 23:20 (UTC)

I realize it is quite rich given what you know about me, but... your past is what made you who you are today. You would not be Ezar, without the experiences that made you that. The same as... I would not be the G'raha I am today, without the knowledge of both men.

[ He strokes his fingers down across the back of Ezar's neck and to his back. ]

I do not think it is a question you need to answer right away. For myself... for just myself and to know it would work? Yes.

[ He hums again, his tail flicking behind them both. ]

What I would do, though, I am not sure of.

Mages don't eat Voidsent, we trade their blood to the void for shoes.

[The thing about Summer is that sometimes her deadpan is so perfect that it's impossible to tell whether she's flawlessly sarcastic or actually serious. Although it is true that you can't just buy shoes as fine as hers off the rack.]

I think I would be more like Y'shtola, if I could. Or Urianger. The way they can study things and suss them out, and solve problems with theories and...things. I would read more books and understand why the things in them matter.

[She shrugs a little.]

I think it'd be nice to put something back into the star, rather than only taking things out of it. ...I think. The truth is I don't really know, either.

[ That G'raha thinks all of those experiences seem to add up to an Ezar he thinks is worth preserving is still a deeply puzzling thing, which Ezar does not voice. He knows it to be a rather pointless argument. It's strange, though, how differently he sees himself from how G'raha and Summer seem to see him. He hasn't been trying to lie to them, yet what they keep finding untrue is what he thinks so obvious about himself, such as his cowardice.

It's becoming harder and harder to dismiss those observations even if he doesn't know what to do with them, when he doesn't offhand dismiss anything else they say. All he can think is it's the lack of full information, but that remains a necessity. ]

But you do put something back into the star. Not right this moment, aye, but... each thing you do, good or bad, you carry those with you until the day you go home and all debts are wiped clean by the wheel's turn.

[ He says it matter-of-factly, as if this is something he expects everyone to understand. It's so basic. ]

From the stories you've told, you've done far more good than bad, aye? And you've known great sorrow, but, too, you've known great love. So you'll be bringing joy and life with you to the star's heart some day.

Edited 2022-06-30 00:44 (UTC)

[ Ezar says it so matter of factly that it makes G'raha's head tilt a little bit. And, for a moment, he wants to dispute it simply because he's been to the aetherial sea, and seen the way some souls pass on and some linger. He has spoken with the warden of the sea, after a fashion, and then defeated Her. But there is a part of him that does not believe Ezar is entirely wrong, either. ]

I think the star has more forgiveness in Her heart than you think. It might be, that the only person who determines if those debts will weigh you down is yourself.

[ He smiles softly. He wishes he could say those debts don't matter when you're reborn - but Fandaniel stands as a testament to it, a soul carrying scars so deep they seemed to manifest in each turn. Is it only the Ancient souls that carry these marks, or can new ones be made? ]

I think She would cherish any joy that you bring to her, no matter how small.

[ To Summer, he looks up after he speaks and flicks one ear. ]

Y'shtola and Urianger spent time studying all those theories and books, you know - from quite a young age. There's no reason you could not learn to do the same.

[ His ears perk up a little. ]

I for one would be happy to teach you proper research habits - and to find something you are interested in studying.

Edited 2022-06-30 03:55 (UTC)

[ He's never been any kind of scholar, nor much of a talker even. The wordplay of academic debate is something Ezar finds alien at best and deeply baffling at worst. Though in this case, he doesn't greet what G'raha says from that angle. ]

I don't know why you say that as if we've disagreed on anything. [ He smiles, a soft expression that finds most its use in dreams. ] Perhaps you're wrong about what I think in this case.

[ He hasn't necessarily disagreed every other time either of them have implied they know what he thinks, even though he has not necessarily agreed either.

Still smiling, he curls in a bit more to nuzzle his face against G'raha's stomach. ]

[ Ezar's comment gets G'raha's ears perking up, then flattening down in embarrassment. ]

I merely meant -

[ But he knows exactly the kind of thing Ezar is pointing out, and he sighs a bit, his fingers finding their way into Ezar's hair again. ]

...I don't think we disagree, no. I simply don't think it wise to carry your 'mistakes' as something to be held against you, by divinity or otherwise. Does that make sense?

All life's connected, amongst each other and the star itself, givin' and takin' all the time and we're all in the balance together.

[ He traces a shape on G'raha's thigh with his fingertip, the interconnecting lines of a web. ]

If the good I do matters, so does the ill. Can't keep one and ignore the other.

[ He snorts. ]

But I'm no... philosopher or anything such as that. That's just as I was taught and there's no reason to argue over it.

[ Another soft snort that turns into a sigh. Thinking about talking that much, about trying to argue out ideas, already feels exhausting. G'raha would run circles around him anyway. He could talk the leaves off a tree. ]

'sides, I think I'd know what I'd do, now, if I could have one selfish thing and it'd work.

I'd go home with the both of you.

Edited 2022-06-30 22:04 (UTC)

[Summer's been listening quietly up until this point, mulling both over G'raha's offer — and trying to determine what, if anything, she would even have an interest in pursuing, what she cares about, what's important enough to her that she would want to devote hours upon hours of study to unraveling it — but it's Ezar's decision that draws her back out of her thoughts and into the flow of conversation.

He'd follow them home if he could, selfishly? He must mean joining the Scions, then. And he hadn't known the outcome of Ala Mhigo, so he must be from a time before she or any of the others left for the First — back when she and G'raha were still a world apart, themselves. He would keep this, he means. Be a part of them. And that's —

It's such an abrupt change from his insistence that he's not like them that she almost doesn't want to poke at it any further, for fear of shattering the fragile thread of hope it rests on. Whatever's made him come around to the idea, it's enough. And as for bringing them together...

Well.]

There. Might be a way it could work. Sometime when we're not all like this, there's something we should test.

[The power of the seat of Azem is to call allies from far afield, isn't it? So maybe between the two of them, herself and G'raha...]

And I know what I would study, if I could. For myself, the Ancients. And for the star...to find a cure for tempering. That's what I would do, if I knew I would get it.

[ G'raha's clearly gearing up to argue something about taking the negative with the positive - but when Ezar says there's no reason to argue he does, at least, let his ears relax down from where they had stiffened up and lets out a soft sigh. He keeps petting Ezar's hair as he speaks, and when he says he'd come back - well.

He's got much the same thought process as Summer, if he's honest. That to pull Ezar with them might not be impossible, if they only remembered. His hand stills, looking over at her when she speaks. ]

Maybe. Certainly not now, when magic is running high.

[ And then she says that and G'raha's eyes widen just a little bit. He's careful not to react too obviously, lest he spoil the truth for her - but there's a fractional jump of surprise in the synchrony. ]

You would be well assisted by Alisaie, I think, in that endeavor.

[ Not a lie, but not spoiling the truth for her, either. ]

And there is no one saying you can not study the Ancients and what they left. You still have access to the First; Emet-Selch's magics remain. They shall inevitably fade, and he did bade you remember.

Perhaps knowing what the Ancients are, as well, there are secrets not yet found across the rest of Hydaelyn.

[ Ezar does not believe for one second that there is a way such a thing could happen. He's read too much about how "going home" works in this place. Returning, out of his control, will be the final act of a delayed death sentence and he has accepted it. So for him, it is more wistful wish than anything... but he does not expect them to understand that, because he's told no one that truth, and he has no intention of doing so. There's no point.

So the best course is agreeing, he thinks, to something he knows to be futile. It is an ultimately harmless lie and better than the truth. A world he can pretend could exist, an adventure he might tentatively dream of going on, wherever it might lead. It's easy to offer that kind of idea when he knows it cannot happen. ]

What manner of thing to test?

[ He has nothing to say or ask, after. What they've already said about the Ancients has been interesting, and made him curious, but he can't think of a way to ask any of the questions on his mind without revealing too much. ]

When Raha mentioned the magicks he used to pull us across the rift — and then the same ones that Elidibus used thereafter, summoning phantoms of heroes? It's — well.

[The edge of her lip catches beneath her teeth, and she casts a quick glance in G'raha's direction.]

In what you remember. Have you heard me mention the name "Azem" before?

I know who they are, yes. You've explained a bit.

[ More than a bit, of course, but that goes against the spirit of his keeping things from her. ]

Azem's power to summon their friends to their side is one I know about. Do you think it could be paired with the magic to call across the rift?

[ He can't deny - the times he's seen it used, the magic seemed to work similarly. ]

I think so. I think her crystal can...I don't know how to put it, exactly. I think it can also hold the intentions of others, if imbued with them. Azem's incantation is to summon her friends to her side, but...

[She hesitates.]

Elidibus sent me into the rift when we fought, and I was able to send myself back. If all I could do was call others to myself, it wouldn't have done any of us any good. So I think it must be able to pair, somehow. It would make sense for Azem to draw her strength from the collaboration of others, anyway, and to be able to mingle their intentions with her own.

If we could find a way for you to put an intention of your own into it, for example. Mayhap that could work?

[ G'raha's ears perk up again as she says it, a smile crossing his face. Dynamis, or akasa as Nidhana had explained, would perhaps be the way that the crystal had interacted with Summer's desire to escape, with Emet's desire to help her. ]

I do not think we'd find it difficult to express that intention - there's a Thavnarian concept we learned about, Akasa, that dictates strong emotions affect the reality around them. It's hard to study an energy ruled by emotion but... we were able to prove its theory, somewhat.

The difference being, we are not so nearly experienced with concepts as the Ancients were. And effectively sealing such a force into the crystal would take practice - as much as the vessels were untested in their function, I'd be loathe to not do some practical testing either.

We've also no Crystal Tower to draw on here, and no Beq Lugg to ask for guidance and expertise. ...But that doesn't mean it can't be done.

[She doesn't understand, not fully, the source of G'raha's abrupt delight, but she doesn't need to know the source to appreciate the result of it. Later she'll think back on this conversation and realize it may well be her first attempt at academia that didn't leave her feeling woefully behind or out of step.

But for the moment, the mention of testing has her glancing back at Ezar.]

Would it bother you? If we were to try summoning...well, er. You?

Hm?

[ Ezar had been... not drifting off to sleep, exactly, but mentally drifting away once they got into topics he did not understand in the slightest, just enjoying the sound of their voices and being near them and having nothing asked of him.

He had not expected to be drawn back into this conversation quite so quickly. ]

...what d'ya mean, 'summoning' me?

[ He is only aware of 'summoning' as a concept for a particular kind of arcanist or as a thing done to bring primals forth, and neither of those seem to apply to him. ]

[ G'raha laughs, softly. Like one might with a coeurl kitten, he reaches up to flick one ear, then smooths his fingers over the twitching appendage and through Ezar's hair again, having stopped as he was speaking. ]

Perhaps we should wait and ask him another time.

[ But, out of a politeness for not making fun of him too long. ]

Trying to summon you across the rift, at some later point in time. As I did with Summer.

Oh, he must not have heard half of what we said. I'm sorry, Rolanberry.

[She does, to her credit, look sorry. Just not sorry enough to escape the nickname.]

So you could come with us, like you wanted. If we could find some manner of way.

[ Ezar laughs quietly against G'raha's leg. This contented, he's able to forget himself enough to joke about certain things. Particularly with what Summer had said earlier, which he's still absorbing now that he's calmed down. ]

Lot easier ways for you to get me out of my clothes, aye?

[ Maybe it's something they could do, and what a startling thought that is. Pull him from here so he can cheat death, have another chance at... something. At living a life that's not governed entirely by hiding and desperately trying to be beneath notice.

It's a strange thought, a startling one. It makes something flutter in his chest--hope. The reaction filters through into the synch, something perhaps stronger and beyond what could be expected. ]

But if you think it could work. Aye. I've nothing to lose.

Edited 2022-07-01 21:14 (UTC)

[ G'raha makes what can only be called a disgruntled noise, but Ezar's joy sparking through the synch and his subsequent agreement are things that make him happy, and he smiles down at the other miqo'te male. ]

It will be something to experiment with. Obviously not anything we'll be attempting right away.

[ He looks up to Summer again with the same smile. ]

Perhaps a chance for you to test out researching as well, since it is a skill that one builds over time.

Hold, now, if Rolanberry's getting snatched out of his clothes then I expect to be snatched out of mine. Tis only fair.

[But then it's her turn to settle, likewise warmed by Ezar's pleasure and G'raha's approval both.]

Wouldn't that be nice. Two wishes sorted out in the same fell swoop. That really would be something.

[ Ezar's tail flicks lightly against Summer's side, a movement of warm amusement. ]

Thought he never quite managed it that way, Summer. [ What with her arriving fully clothed and all. ] Disappointin', really.

[ Is this a thing that could truly happen? He doesn't know. But it's nice to pretend. To hope a little. ]

We all might be here a good, long time, anyway.

[ And they might be sick of each other long before that, really. ]

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