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So does your face.

[ Good big brother instinct there, Ezar. ]

Nothin's wrong.

[ Blatant lie. But if he'd wanted to talk about it, he would have included it in the text. He just wants to not be by himself... and thought Summer was more likely to be awake than Aerith.

Summer is also not capable of randomly reading his mind, nor does she have such a similar array of nightmares, which is... good in his estimation. He's less likely to accidentally upset her with his own stupid problems.

He holds out the ice cream as if to ward off any further questions. ]

Not with you around for comparison.

[POWERFUL SIBLING ENERGY.]

Here, bring that into the kitchen. It'll be fine if we put the light on in there.

[And she motions him inside, closing and locking the door behind him once he's entered before leading him toward the kitchen with a hand over her mouth to stifle a spare yawn.]

How about this. If you're honest with me about why we're pretending nothing's wrong, I promise to go along with the actual pretending for as long as you want.

[ He follows her, chewing over that offer. The problem is, he already knows that if he keeps denying it, she's not going to believe him. And he knows he's not that great at the art of the bald-faced lie. He's just good at not saying things that shouldn't be said. So really, in that light, her offer is a rather merciful one.

He breathes an annoyed sigh through his nose all the same. ]

Couldn't sleep. Nightmares.

[ Though to be more accurate--and from how tired he looks--he hasn't been sleeping well for several days.

It's a stupid problem to have, in his opinion. ]

...Aye. I know that feeling.

[And true to her word, that's all she says about it, as she goes to the cupboard, peers inside at the dishware, and seems to make a rapid decision to close it again and just retrieve a pair of spoons, instead.

As she sits back down, and in the spirit of pretending, she continues loftily: ]

Well, I think it's charming that you were so desperate to enjoy the pleasure of my company that you simply couldn't wait until daylight for it.

[ He breathes out a small, relieved sigh when she changes the topic. And happily plays along. ]

's annoying as shit that everyone I know wants to be awake durin' the day so then I gotta also be awake durin' the day.

Least in the Crimson Fleet they put me on midnight watch.

[ He frowns slightly. ]

You said G'raha was sleepin' 'for once.' He not keepin' normal hours?

You could take a midnight job. I think they have them here; I've seen shops that stay open all night.

[But still. She hands him a spoon, motioning for him to let her at the ice cream.

At the mention of G'raha, though, she clucks her tongue with a soft tsk.]

He'd go for days without rest if he could — he gets caught up in things and forgets himself. So it's still a little novel to me when I see him asleep.

[ Ezar unpacks the ice cream, opens it up, and puts it notably closer to Summer. It's honestly too much even for two people. ]

Can you truly imagine me standin' behind the counter at a shop, sayin' nice things to people?

[ Pff. ]

I kind of got a job. Patrolling Espera Village. Least I keep gettin' money to do it. [ Shrug. ]

What people? The only ones out and about would be others like you.

[This ice cream is such a bribe, and yet it's not going to stop her from unhinging her jaw and inhaling it. She loves food, and sweets in particular, and anyway if Ezar were trying to poison her right here in her own house, there are at least three people* who would be almost certain to ensure that he'd never get away with it regardless.

*technically, two and an octopus.]

Mm. Guard duty. It's nice to know some things don't change no matter where you go, and the need for sentries is one of them.

Person I got the ice cream from was still smilin' and the like.

[ Really, he's found the customer service situation in late-night Sumarlok... eerie, outside of the Ruby Underground. At least people there are appropriately unfriendly and combative.

He finally does dig out a spoonful of the ice cream. He frowns at it for a long moment before popping it in his mouth. It's not bad. ]

If I ask you for some fuckin' stupid advice, can you try not to laugh at me?

If I laugh, it won't be at you. And besides, I don't want to wake the house up.

[Which is, of course, essentially a yes. Just with a tiny margin of leeway carved out.]

What is it?

[ Ezar falls silent for a long time then, glaring at the ice cream like it's personally offended him, though it's really more a combination of his normal expression looking so angry and him trying to think how to phrase something that's so utterly nebulous.

Finally, with a deeply annoyed sigh that's directed entirely at himself, he gives up on formulating any kind of concise question. Summer seems all right with... messy and nebulous anyway. And messy and nebulous is the best way to classify how he feels. ]

How do you...

[ Argh. ]

I dunno what to do with G'raha. Since I ain't just lookin' to fuck him and never talk to him again.

...I think.

You want my advice on how to have a relationship with my mate? That is quite the question.

[She digs her spoon into the ice cream, twirling it around until she digs up one of the berries and pops it into her mouth.]

So you know you don't want to play with him, that's fine. The question is how to work out what you do want?

Well. Long as you don't mind it.

[ But considering... everything... he's gotten the distinct impression that Summer thinks it's a good idea, may the Gods help them all. Or that at the least she'd prefer it to his normal fuck-and-run method, since that doesn't seem to be what G'raha's about either.

Who knows. Why is this shit so complicated? ]

Yeah. That's the... hard part.

[ He falls silent again, thinking. Hells. ]

I think you'n G'raha got this image in your heads, about how it was, bandits wantin' to sell me off. Like they snatched me out of my village and chained me up or somethin'. That ain't how it went.

I was... lost. Alone in the Shroud. Survivin'... [ He can't tell that part of the story, how he was surviving. ] ...by my wits. They found me and took me in cause they saw they'd have a better time of it if I was with 'em.

I took up with one of 'em. After a couple of weeks. He told me he loved me. An'... I think he might've, some. [ He would have known, had it been entirely false. Even desperate and lonely, no one could have lied to him that perfectly, from that close. But he can't explain that either. ]

But turned out he didn't love me as much as he loved the gil some... fuckin' Imperial named... Aulus would give 'em for me.

[ He rubs his forehead. The rest can be left unsaid, since he already owned up to the massacre in front of Summer and G'raha. ]

So I haven't taken up with anyone since then, aye?

Edited 2022-07-01 22:11 (UTC)

[She's quiet awhile, letting him finish first and then processing what he says thereafter. Not just a kidnapping, then, but a betrayal. A false sense of security born of love and relief and acceptance, snatched away in an instant.

And thus...thus did I use you!

The thought comes sudden, unbidden, and sobering. Making a face, she licks her spoon clean before turning it so that the scoop faces inwards, and starts trying to hang it off the tip of her nose.]

But you don't think Raha will really do that to you. You just can't shake the bad associations. The feeling that twists in the pit of your stomach when you feel yourself starting to trust again. Aye?

Aye, a bit.

An...

[ Another long sigh. This is far more than he likes talking about himself, at all. But if he wants useful advice, he knows he needs to fully describe the problem. And he is serious about his question. ]

Got kept in my mother's house long past when she should have sent me off to live amongst the men. [ No need to get into the why of it. Though it's perhaps enough of an admission from him that he came from somewhere, that he had a mother. ] So it was just me around a lot of women and much younger boys. Til I left. And then I was busy.

So the only time I... ever had anythin' like that was... him.

[ So he has no idea how this is even supposed to work internally. He's read books, of course, but he's well aware such things are fiction and that's not how life works, which is part of what makes the stories so nice. And he's of course seen plenty of people pairing off and the like, but... observing from a distance isn't nearly the same as doing it yourself. ]

Edited 2022-07-01 22:46 (UTC)

Oh, I've noticed that. Some part of you finds it reassuring when I tell you what to do. The way your mother would've told you what to do, mayhap? Or your matriarch.

[He is a Keeper, after all. She succeeds in balancing the spoon on her nose, theatrically drawing her hands away as it wobbles and oscillates, but doesn't fall.]

What are you looking for advice on, really? How to behave? How to sort out your feelings? How to think about whatever it is you want to do with him?

[She pauses, hesitant a minute.]

How it works out if I'm in the picture too?

[ He grimaces, but she isn't wrong, necessary. His one major act of rebellion had been in fighting with his mother and leaving home and... the results of that had not been good for anyone.

He'd rather make it a joke at his own expense. ]

Mayhap I'm just shit at thinkin' and need someone to do it for me. 's why I ended up enlisted.

[ Thal's balls, this is awkward. ]

But... all o' that, I guess. [ She has hit on the entire litany of things he doesn't know, doesn't understand, and that make him deeply nervous. ]

's weird to me that you keep G'raha around as you do, 'stead of sending him off until you want him for somethin'. [ He laughs. ] Men are a right pain in the arse and best in small doses, I was always taught.

He's not "men", he's Raha. And you know exactly why I keep him as close as I do.

[She looks as though she's about to shake her head, but catches herself (and her dangling spoon) just in time, snatching it off her nose so that it doesn't clatter to the tabletop. It spins easily in her fingers before she digs it into the ice cream again, which is possibly a little disgusting, but it's not like Ezar hasn't kissed her before, so.]

It's not strange if you find yourself wanting to love him, you know. He makes it so easy.

[She shrugs.]

Your problem is that you can't see things from any vantage point but your own. You may have traveled far afield with the Maelstrom, but for you the world ends at the tip of your own nose. If things aren't as you expect them, then it's the things that are strange, not you. Because you know how it ought to be, and it's the other things that aren't in alignment with that.

[ Softly: ] And what if I do, after tellin' myself so long I oughtn't love anyone for the sake of my own safety?

[ He regards her silently for a long moment, contemplating what she's said. That it's deeply unflattering isn't an issue; he's far more comfortable with that anyway. But it doesn't strike him as quite correct, either.

He leans back in his chair, legs stretched out in front of him. Then, with great deliberation, he drops the Lominsan accent, speaking as he'd done long ago before joining the Maelstrom and adopting it as cover. It gives his voice a far softer cast, a lighter pitch, the underlying growl gone. ]

I'm well aware that I'm the strange one, you know. Even among other Keepers.

I was also strange among my own tribe. For... a lot of reasons. But now I owe it to them to remember how it was.

So what makes you say that?

...No, I want you to answer me, I think. We'll speak of me for a minute, instead.

[She spoons up a mouthful of ice cream again, savors it, then points her empty spoon at him.]

Tell me why I keep Raha around instead of sending him off until I want him for something. Be as plain about it as you like, I don't care or mind. But I want to hear you say it.

All right.

Because you love him. Even when he desperately annoys you. Perhaps even particularly then. [ His head tilts as he considers her, as if he's looking at something somewhere beyond her. ] Because you spent so much of your life feeling as of you couldn't connect to anyone, as if you were strange and missing something you cannot define, as if there was no belonging. And with him you've found a sort of belonging, a connection to another person so strong as to be unbreakable that bound you together from the moment you meet even if you didn't quite realize it at the time.

Because he's yours in that particular, terrifying way you say it, that means you'd rend the star in two if anything tried to take him from you. Because you do not let what is yours go.

[It is, of course, always unnerving to be read so openly and so plainly, but it's not as though Ezar is wrong, and it's not as though she didn't invite it. Quite the contrary; if they're going to be picking each other apart in these midnight hours over ice cream, it's only right that they should both have ample opportunity to discomfort the other.]

There's...I think one thing you said that I'd change. But on the balance you're exactly right. And you didn't need me to tell you a word of it.

So when you think about the way I act toward Raha, why start with what you were taught, and not what you know about me?

You assume that I start with one and the other is lesser because it is unspoken.

[ A mild observation. ]

I can well see and understand why you do what you do, at least in this case, and you've told me much of it as well. So why should it need to be said?

What you might not know is what I have experienced, because I don't like talking about myself even when I'm not mortally afraid it'll get me killed. This unfunny joke of mine is as much a ghost I carry as the fact that I once massacred a company of bandits rather than let my lover sell me to an Imperial.

[ He rubs his face with his hands. ]

Fuck, I hate talking. [ I'm so bad at it. ]

Edited 2022-07-02 01:55 (UTC)

Hmmm.

[She mulls over that a minute, playing with her spoon before digging back into the ice cream again. For all that she's been indulging, her scoops have been relatively small — possibly so that she can reach for more of them by comparison, and make her prize seem to last longer.]

Aye, I think you're right.

[ He breathes out a mirthless little snort through his nose. ]

What would you have said differently, by the way?

[ He'd like to know what he's misunderstood, because it is all a part of Summer and... for whatever reason has made him throw caution to the winds, he does want to know her. ]

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