voidgates | IC Inbox

i think...

both

do you mind it and do you give your permission

tell me why you're asking my permission

i am asking permission because i am your mate and you're the closest i have to a matriarch

and i want to know if you'd mind because it's a secret i've only told you so it's yours

i think...
if you need me to be your matriarch then we need to talk sometime about what that means
i don't know enough about keeper things

but i can learn how to be one
you understand what i mean when i say that, aye?

i'll learn if it's important to you and i think it's clear that it is
i don't want you to have to be without things that are important to you

i think...

hmmm

it's also not fair of me to just ask that of you and i made a bad assumption because i wasn't thinking

but you actually act like a matriarch a lot

you take care of both me and g'raha. you make the difficult decisions. you pick the direction everyone moves in.

you and g'raha are both better than me at thinking about the three of us as all together but you're a woman so of course i'm going to defer to you more

i don't know what a matriarch is supposed to act like

if you had compared me to one i think i would've said that i wasn't
because raha is better at leading people than me
and i don't feel like i'm good at difficult decisions either

but what i mean is
i think in a way you sort of

you feel uneasy if you don't have a matriarch
don't you?
you would feel better if you had one because it's what you're used to

i think matriarchs act different ways. megumi is a matriarch and she acts very very different from how my mother ever acted

i don't think g'raha is better at it than you

you just have different ways of going about things

and g'raha's way works better for you and your way works a lot better for me

(and megumi's way really really doesn't work for me i think)

i haven't had a matriarch for ten years though and i sure didn't defer to my mother the way i defer to you we argued a lot and i hid from her a lot and then i finally ran away...

hahaha i think most keeper males would look at it and think that i don't want a matriarch at all cause i tried so hard to get away from mine aye

though i guess you could say that the maelstrom gave me structure instead

i did a lot better there

Edited 2022-08-22 02:43 (UTC)

i don't want to be a matriarch like megumi

i think what i'm trying to ask is
what does a matriarch do?

or no
i think what i mean is
what do you need a matriarch to do

what do i do that you need
what can i do better
what do you need more of

that sort of thing

matriarch's the head of the clan

she doesn't have to make all the decisions because that would be too much for one person aye but she's the one that makes the final decision if needed

she sets the clan's... emotional tone, like, because she's the example

takes care of those in her clan and sees if they're in a bad way and gives em a push in the right direction, moderates disputes and such

decides when we go to war and when we hide

keeps the memories alive

so you see why i already felt like you're my matriarch aye

you been taking care of me like no one else ever has

even when it's been hard and i've been difficult you've been helping me see how to... make decisions and keeping me from getting lost in my own head and turned around

and you don't leave me feeling like i'm wasting your time cause i'm male

is that why it

[But then she stops, and thinks better of it, and doubles back.]

all right
now explain something else to me please

you say that often
the part about me sending the men away
or it being strange that i keep them close
or making it sound like you're not good for anything except breeding frankly

so explain that to me
what you expect
what makes you say those things

and don't just say because men are stupid because that's not an answer
however true it might be :)

i've come to understand that my clan is very traditional mostly because of things megumi has said to me

the way it is supposed to be is that the women keep the village and protect what is sacred to us

and the men are sent out into the forest to live away because men are annoying and grumpy and always causing trouble

and then when the women want mates they will call the men they want back in

and then send them away again when they become annoying so they can have their kits in peace

i think in some clans the men live by themselves, which sounds very lonely

one of the men that came back to my village because he was called to be a mate told me that our men had a nomadic encampment that moved through our hunting grounds

and we had our own heartsingers and our own names and our own secret ways that i never learned and they would watch over what was ours to protect in their own way and send word back to the matriarch when there was trouble she needed to know about

megumi told me that in her clan men could stay and go as they pleased and weren't sent out to live on their own but

honestly that sounds terrible to me because i didn't enjoy being around a bunch of women who were only interested in my lineage and i really didn't want to mate with any of them

i'm not sure if my tribe were very typical seekers either honestly
as with all things i suppose some are stricter or more traditional than others

but i always had males around when i was growing up
and engaging with them was just expected

to be isolated or sent away would be a punishment

but my closest friend was a tia like raha
and there were other males i kissed and played with
it wasn't as though any of it was for breeding or mating so it was just fun

it seems so strange to me every time you talk about being sent away
or about me getting rid of you and raha
even as a joke
because to me that's something unimaginable
it would be like i was punishing the two of you and it's strange to even think of

if you sent me away it would feel like a punishment

because i want to stay with you and i belong with you

which is strange to me because when i lived among the women in my village all i wished was to be sent away because i didn't belong there and i didn't want to be there no matter how much i loved my sisters

so having to stay felt like the punishment instead

i always wondered how it was women and men could live together and such even after i ran away and i didn't really understand it because i didn't ever talk to people like i talk to you and g'raha

it makes sense to me now

though i think my clan would have had to be very different about a lot of things for it to be like that

and the women seemed happy enough not having the men around unless they wanted to breed. they all just played with each other. and there were several women that had cocks so they didn't even need the men for breeding that much probably except i guess for wanting certain mother-lines.

Edited 2022-08-22 03:55 (UTC)

hmmmmmm
that makes sense i suppose

though that reminds me of something else that you mentioned before

you said something about whether i would want a child off of you
do you think that's only my decision?

be honest and tell me what you really feel
not what you think the right answer is or what i want to hear

well i'm not the one who's to be pregnant aye

but

think i know what you're asking though

if we were back at my village and you were to say 'i want a kit off that one' so long as the matriarch didn't disagree, then it'd be my duty

suppose if i had a really really really strong reason to not want to do my duty i could go to the matriarch and make a case but i'd never heard about that happening

doesn't really apply here though does it

i'm your mate because i want to be not just because you decided you wanted to catch a kit off me and i'm doing my duty

i think... i'd like it if you did want to, but that's not for me to choose for you

Edited 2022-08-22 04:13 (UTC)

it's something that i have to think about unfortunately
because for me it's not as easy as just saying i want a kit off you or you or you

because i'm not a matriarch and i haven't been back to my tribe in a long time
and my child isn't going to be just the next generation of my tribe or your clan
they're going to be the child of the warrior of light

and if they're raha's then they might inherit his eyes
and all the terrible burden that comes with that

and if they're yours then there's burdens of bloodline there too
i might not be entitled to the secrets you keep but your child would surely

and no matter what they'll be mine
and everything i do or have ever done will be the footsteps they walk in
for better or for worse

i wouldn't put a child of yours or raha's into that sort of danger unless we all agreed on it

aye there's things I'd need to tell you about before

since it's more than just bloodline

danger though... don't know

for all you've got some mad at you and looking to do you harm

you've still more that love at least the idea of you and some of them love you as a person they know and all of them would protect you and yours

I'm not saying there's no danger to it but it's better protection than any of mine ever had while we were being hunted

and in the end

to live is the best defiance

the only defiance mayhap

I think maybe that's why I couldn't die even when I wanted to

but I also never thought I'd have children so if you feel it's too much burden to put to anyone, it's not as if I've lost anything aye

i have always gained two people i love who make me happy and that is more than i ever hoped for

Edited 2022-08-22 17:44 (UTC)

i don't just mean physical danger exactly
though of course that's something i'd fear

but...
well maybe you would know better than most
it's like when you say that raha and i are important
and you worry you aren't good enough

i told raha that i want our children to have a future that doesn't need the warrior of light
one where i would never have to choose between the star and them
but i also don't want them to always be something in relation to me

although
that's just keeper culture all over again isn't it
i don't know
maybe you're right and i'm just worrying about nothing

oy i didn't say you were worrying about nothing

i understand why that's a worry to have now that you've explained it

though there's a difference between other people putting that on your kits and you putting that on your kits

getting strangled by a legacy is... one of the reasons i ran away. mostly it was because i'm a fucking coward but there was also a part of it that was me wanting to be my own person i guess

can't really control how the world treats your kin though for good or ill other than to be somewhere they'll be as protected from that as they can be and that's hard

i know
it's just a lot to think about
it feels as though every time i do i think of ten more things i hadn't thought of before

but you would like it then?

being someone's sire
someone that was half you and half me

aye i know how it is i think about things too much all the time

i would like it

i know it's hard to believe but i... actually like kits a lot

had this stupid idea i'd adopt a whole pack when i had that first lover, before i knew... everything

well you're not getting a whole pack off of me!

you and raha can have one each
at least to start

considering they'd both be half you, i expect they'll cause as much trouble as a whole pack :P

(any kit of yours would be a gift, love)

well
first things first

we'll get you a name and a keepsake
and then we can work out the rest from there

i'll ask g'raha about a name

and i will look forward to the keepsake you think of :)

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