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[ It's a strange reminder, that G'raha has seen that recurring nightmare of his, of the battle, of his useless death. He wonders what the man has taken from it, what conclusions he's come to. But to ask feels too self-indulgent... and too raw. It's another truth he's never spoken aloud, and he still has no desire to. What difference would it make, to any of them?

The only further comment Ezar makes about Ala Mhigo is in answer to Summer, a quiet: ] Aye, I was.

[ The rest, he listens to like the story it is, because it sounds very much like fantasy. His tail resumes it's slow, steady motion against Summer's side. He sighs. ]

Sounds like a lovely place. Somewhere no one has to hide, mayhap. I'd've liked to see it.

[ She looks at him, arch - and he looks at her with a lopsided smile, a fond one, reminiscent of his days as the Exarch. In that moment it's clear how much he cherishes the memories of their time on the first, even if he is not quite the same man who spent one hundred years waiting for her.

He looks down at Ezar, after. ]

One day, you may. Without the need to have someone drag you across the space between stars, perhaps... several of our number left precious people behind. My granddaughter, for one. I should be happy to see her again if we discover how to cross between shards.

[ His fingers twist and curl into Ezar's hair, then gently uncurl and smooth out the patterns he's made with his fingers. ]

There was, of course, a flaw in the plan to have her gather Light. And that was that we were working against an organization that wanted nothing other than to rejoin the shards together for their own people.

[ Gingerly, he tells what he knows of Emet-Selch and the Ascians. The Ancients, and how their star was sundered because they had sought to sacrifice the life of their planet to bring back their own people. There's a pause before he speaks that the person who sundered it was Hydaelyn Herself, in opposition to Zodiark. That Hydaelyn had once been an ancient herself.

He doesn't draw the parallels of primals, but anyone with a working knowledge would know to. ]

When the time came for me to play my part, acting as if I would take Summer's aether and leave, I unwittingly revealed myself. And after I had done so, Emet-Selch stopped me.

[ Here he pauses. Emet's reasoning for doing so was his knowledge of time travel - yet he still did not quite believe the reasoning now, knowing all that he did. Emet had had a hand in Allag through Fandaniel, where the bulk of his knowledge came from. It is as if only now he considers that Emet may have intended to die all along. ]

I don't know what I expected but I was still surprised, after all that had happened, when Summer came after me.

Oh, was that the flaw? Not the part about how I couldn't hold it all?

[She hums under her breath, the jab of the comment more directed at herself than at G'raha, as she turns her gaze to Ezar and the way G'raha's fingers work through his hair.]

He didn't just stop Raha. He shot him, in front of me. Then he took him away from me — but not before stopping to tell me what a disappointment I was. How broken I was. And to invite me to join him where he planned to take Raha, if I wanted to complete my transformation into a world-ending monster with dignity.

[So she says, unwittingly revealing the source of something she'd said before.]

...Don't — don't ask me about him. I can't begin to — I wouldn't even know where to start.

[But she does know this: ]

But I went after him. Took him up on his invitation and found myself in a city beneath the sea. It looked a fair bit like Sumarlok, really. It was...beautiful. He'd filled it with ghosts made of aether, all memories of the Ancients who once lived there. And they were kind. One of them recognized me. It was a city called Amaurot and I'll never see its equal again.

But I was there for Emet-Selch, and when I found him, he was surprised I'd come with the Scions. That I hadn't just come to die or transform into some abomination. He asked me why I had, and I told him to give me my Exarch back.

[She smiles, very faintly.]

He ought to have known better than to tell me I couldn't have him.

[ One day, you may, G'raha says. It is almost enough to prod him into reluctantly telling another secret. But things have only just calmed down. He's only just calmed down. He doesn't want to. And it doesn't matter.

So Ezar makes himself smile like he believes G'raha. ]

Mayhap I will.

[ I'll never go home. And once, it hadn't bothered him to think that. He hadn't really had anything waiting for him. But now there is that thread of sadness, that he hopes some day G'raha and Summer will find their way home, and knows it will not be a place he can follow. And if they look for him--if they even are from the same Eorzea as him, a different question entirely--all they'll find is a name on a memorial, if that.

But that is a problem for another day. He'd rather listen to their story than dwell on something so immutable.

This explains, then, the person who had hurt her so terribly--and G'raha as well. Though the conclusion seems to be that she'd already seen him to justice. Though... dead people showed up here all the time; Ezar himself was proof of that. His tail tip flicks a bit harder for a moment and he says, a distinct growl for all its quiet: ]

Ever shows his face around here, he won't live long to regret it.

[ That's really all that needs to be said about that. Though he is glad, to know this grand conclusion. For all that G'raha had emphasized the selfishness in the story when it was the start, it's as fine a romance as he's ever read, and all the better because he knows the people involved and can be happy for them. ]

[ G'raha laughs, a little, when Ezar says he'll regret it - if only because he's aware Emet has come and gone at least once, and may still be present. Alongside, possibly, Gaius Baelsar, a man he personally had trouble forgiving.

Were it not for the Garleans, Corvos would be in a different situation. As would Summer's tribe.

It's also melancholic, to hear her talk of Amarout. To know in the future she also visits Elpis, a research facility he'd heard her call beautiful. To know the people that hurt her before Zodiark had sunk their claws into them.

He's sad, for that. It seeps into the synchrony, but he's careful not to reveal the why.

He speaks again, slowly. Talking of the fact that the scions had not returned home. How G'raha had been told not to sacrifice himself for their sake, and so he sought Beq-Lugg's help in fashioning a way for them to transport across the rift with Summer. How that had attracted the attention of the last Ascian, Elidibus. Zodiark's heart, he explained.

His fingers slow down a bit as he explains fashioning the soul vessel, the way the Scion's souls begun to weaken. And then when Elidibus had taken the vessel he'd fashioned for himself to control the tower, hastening the crystallization of G'raha's body.

His fingers have stopped moving when he speaks of his last moments, after Elidibus's defeat. ]

I do not remember dying. My last thoughts of the First are those preceding sealing my memories and part of my soul into the vessel, after Summer bade me remember her name.

We were not sure my younger self would accept the memories. And I did not wish to erase the young man who had originally sealed the tower away, either, for my older self. Fortune favored our faith that the two of us became one, instead.

[And now, here, they've run up to the edge of her own memories, all of them still fresh and raw enough that she can't help but go quiet before whispering finally: ]

...I remember. I was the last thing you saw. And you told me that hope is everlasting.

[And they've both, in their way, unmade each other's deaths. G'raha by averting a future he couldn't bear to see come to pass. Herself by preserving his soul and finding it a new home.

A flash of sudden, powerful desperation flares through the Synchrony they're sharing, bright and fleeting like a firework. The sudden urge to hold on, to grasp and cling and not let go. The fear of losing something again.

But it's only for a burst of a moment, and once she's got it tamped down again, Summer turns her attention to Ezar.]

There we are, laid bare. The tale of my last adventure. How do you feel now, about our next one?

[Her choice of word, our, is deliberate.]

[ All he can really do, as inadequate though it may be, is curl a bit more firmly around them both. He doesn't like to think of G'raha as dead, and he worries at that flash of emotion, however quickly suppressed, from Summer. And he wishes that it could be something he saves the both of them from, though he knows that, too, is an impossibility.

He smooths one hand over G'raha's leg, his other lightly touching Summer's back. He did not miss that word, our. But he can't help a soft chuckle. ]

Can't imagine it could be anything so world-shaking, aye?

[ Gods forbid. He would be useless. Though that thought, he does not voice. He simply smiles, his head still pillowed in G'raha's lap. Framed as an adventure, our adventure, it doesn't sound frightening at all. ]

The both of you need a break, at the least. And naught like that happening here, at any rate.

No... no, hopefully not so world shaking in a place like this.

[ G'raha laughs softly, a tinge of sadness in his voice but - there is also relief. Relief for the fact that he knows Summer's journey ends on a note that does not end with her alone.

He knows, at journey's end, that they'll be together - and all the Scions with them. After a moment he curls his fingers through Ezar's hair again, raising his hand to curl his hand into Summer's hair as well, and letting loose a small hum. ]

Thank you. For listening to our story. For wanting to take the first steps of a new one as well.

Edited (realized two hours later i forgot a period) 2022-06-29 07:41 (UTC)

That's just it, though. It never starts out as world-shaking, even when it turns out that way. All of it, it's all just...falling dominoes. One thing, then the next, then the next, until all of a sudden you're standing atop a fortress a thousand malms in the sky or amidst a city a thousand beneath the waves, and wondering how you've come so far in the first place.

[A little purr rumbles in the back of her throat when G'raha's fingers card through her hair, now more golden than red, and she basks in it a minute before running her fingers along Ezar's tail, seeking to draw back his attention.]

You said once that Raha and I were special. Important. But we're really not. We're just people that things happened to, living with what came of our choices.

If you come with us, then it'll be the three of us. Making choices. Seeing what comes of them. Moving forward to whatever comes next. That doesn't sound so bad, does it?

[ His tail curls up against Summer's fingers as he considers what she says. It sounds so simple, in a way. But... he breathes out a low hum, a sound of disagreement, if a gentle one. ]

I get why the both of you like to say that. You're both just... people, aye, no disagreement there, for all one of you is the Warrior of Light and the other's got all manner of Allagan bullshit and those are unique matters. What the both of you have dealt with would make anyone feel... small.

But from where I stand... I never would have ended up where you been, aye? I was only at Carteneau or at Ala Mhigo's liberation because I'm a soldier and I go where I'm told and fight those who stand against us. I'm a good soldier, and I do my job well, but I'm nothin' remarkable. I've never borne that sort of burden nor...

[ There's a long hesitation, ...been asked to dying in his throat. Because that's not true. He had been asked to bear one burden, and he'd fled from it like a coward.

That's one choice he's living with, to be certain. ]

...nor would I have the bravery to do so.

So nay, it don't sound bad, when you put it as simple as people makin' choices. But...

[ Another long hesitation as he mulls what he can and cannot say, what is right and honest versus what he wants, and it's such a strange thing for those to be in conflict. His fingers curl into G'raha's shirt again, a gesture of holding on, as if he feels he will be flung away, somehow. ]

...but those ain't the kind of choices someone like me makes, are they.

[ He turns his face into G'raha's leg a little, breathing out a long sigh. It's more talking than he normally likes doing, and far more painful than he can admit to without explanation. The question hangs in his mind, indelible: why him? Why out of anyone in a world apparently lousy with heroes, would they find the biggest coward around and think he could keep up with them?

He wishes he could be that person, for them. ]

You may consider yourself unremarkable - but what you have done still matters.

[ G'raha carefully strokes his fingers over Ezar's ears, careful in how he pets the other man. ]

You made the decision to continue on, after what happened to you. You made the decision to join the Maelstrom - to help in Ala Mhigo. To protect the citizens there when the fighting started.

That mattered. Continuing on past your failures, too, matters. The strength to keep moving and take one more step.

[ He doesn't know what Ardbert said to Summer, but he's unintentionally mirroring it now. ]

That isn't to say that every choice you made has the same weight as some of ours, no. But you also have no way of knowing how those choices affect others.

[ He leans forward a bit, sighing softly. ]

I think you do not want to be brave, but you still cannot help but be. You could have let Summer fall but you jumped after her. You could have left me alone to fend for myself and you did not.

You can say that's what any good person would do - but I have seen so-called "good" men decide otherwise to save themselves.

Edited 2022-06-29 21:55 (UTC)

A fair lot of good being the damned Warrior of Light did me when we were stuck on that island getting dragged off by an ochu.

[She grumbles, more to herself than for anyone else's benefit.

But in the midst of all this reminiscing, Ezar's protests and G'raha's echo of Ardbert leave her thoughts drifting back, of all things, to Elidibus and his machinations on the first. The crowds of people inspired by the promise of becoming Warriors of Light, and how he'd used that faith to make a second primal of himself, emboldened by the good intentions of people who longed to be brave.

And she thinks of saying: did you always want to be a soldier?, and she can't ask it because part of all this is allowing Ezar to not have to own up to demands of what he wants or doesn't want right now. But she wonders, just the same. Ezar a soldier, G'raha an Exarch, herself a savior. It's what they all are, for better or for worse.

It was Aymeric, she thinks idly, who was the first to ever ask her what she wanted to do. Aymeric, forever faithfully serving his city from behind a desk, when in desire alone he would usually be anywhere but.]

I wonder. If you had the chance...

[She says it thoughtfully, almost tentatively, and focuses for a long time on finding the right words before directing the remainder of the thought at both of them.]

If you could do something for yourself, and it was to be only for your own sake, and you were sure to get it or do it or succeed at it. Do you know what you would choose?

[It's a question that can be answered as simply as with a yes or a no — or answered as elaborately as anyone might care to be.]

[ The urge to argue against someone showering him with so many compliments is a strange one, but extremely strong nonetheless. He feels, deeply, that nothing of what G'raha says can be true; he certainly hasn't ever felt brave.

But there is also little enough he can say without speaking things he knows to be forbidden. The best he can do is tilt his head enough to look up toward G'raha, still careful of his horns. ]

Started my life out runnin' away because I was a coward, and I wasn't nearly the one who suffered the most for it. 's not a matter of bein' brave, what I've done since. I owe too heavy of a debt to stop.

[ Summer's mutter gets a laugh from him, genuine amusement. ]

I'll admit, you weren't what I was expectin' out of the Warrior of Light. You ain't eight fulms tall, and I've not seen you eat anythin' near as exciting as a Voidsent for breakfast.

[ It's not mockery, in his tone. There's the self-deprecation of having been taken in by such stories, but he still smooths his hand over her back like an apology. ]

Like you better as Summer anyway.

[ Her question, though, stymies him. At first, he thinks he knows the answer. ]

Of course, I'd...

[ But then he closes his mouth, exhaling long through his nose. Not even because it's another matter of secrets, but because he realizes he truly doesn't know.

Even a month ago, if she'd asked him such a thing, he would have come up with some nonsense answer and secretly meant that he would find a way to pry this magic that frightens him so badly out of his spirit and relieve himself of that burden forever. Yet he's now known what it's like, for that part of him to be gone. And it didn't feel at all good, like he'd always assumed it would. He'd felt... curiously hollow, deafened and blinded and more... alone than he'd thought possible, in those moments when Summer and G'raha hadn't been around.

He's not sure what that means, really, other than maybe to rid himself of this unwanted gift isn't actually the curative he once thought it would be. ]

I... don't know.

[ He sounds surprised at himself, for saying that. ]

I used to think I did. But... I don't know. [ And on the heels of that realization, another that stills his hand against Summer's back. ] I've spent such time wishing to undo the past that I never much thought about what I might do now.

Edited (missing word) 2022-06-29 23:20 (UTC)

I realize it is quite rich given what you know about me, but... your past is what made you who you are today. You would not be Ezar, without the experiences that made you that. The same as... I would not be the G'raha I am today, without the knowledge of both men.

[ He strokes his fingers down across the back of Ezar's neck and to his back. ]

I do not think it is a question you need to answer right away. For myself... for just myself and to know it would work? Yes.

[ He hums again, his tail flicking behind them both. ]

What I would do, though, I am not sure of.

Mages don't eat Voidsent, we trade their blood to the void for shoes.

[The thing about Summer is that sometimes her deadpan is so perfect that it's impossible to tell whether she's flawlessly sarcastic or actually serious. Although it is true that you can't just buy shoes as fine as hers off the rack.]

I think I would be more like Y'shtola, if I could. Or Urianger. The way they can study things and suss them out, and solve problems with theories and...things. I would read more books and understand why the things in them matter.

[She shrugs a little.]

I think it'd be nice to put something back into the star, rather than only taking things out of it. ...I think. The truth is I don't really know, either.

[ That G'raha thinks all of those experiences seem to add up to an Ezar he thinks is worth preserving is still a deeply puzzling thing, which Ezar does not voice. He knows it to be a rather pointless argument. It's strange, though, how differently he sees himself from how G'raha and Summer seem to see him. He hasn't been trying to lie to them, yet what they keep finding untrue is what he thinks so obvious about himself, such as his cowardice.

It's becoming harder and harder to dismiss those observations even if he doesn't know what to do with them, when he doesn't offhand dismiss anything else they say. All he can think is it's the lack of full information, but that remains a necessity. ]

But you do put something back into the star. Not right this moment, aye, but... each thing you do, good or bad, you carry those with you until the day you go home and all debts are wiped clean by the wheel's turn.

[ He says it matter-of-factly, as if this is something he expects everyone to understand. It's so basic. ]

From the stories you've told, you've done far more good than bad, aye? And you've known great sorrow, but, too, you've known great love. So you'll be bringing joy and life with you to the star's heart some day.

Edited 2022-06-30 00:44 (UTC)

[ Ezar says it so matter of factly that it makes G'raha's head tilt a little bit. And, for a moment, he wants to dispute it simply because he's been to the aetherial sea, and seen the way some souls pass on and some linger. He has spoken with the warden of the sea, after a fashion, and then defeated Her. But there is a part of him that does not believe Ezar is entirely wrong, either. ]

I think the star has more forgiveness in Her heart than you think. It might be, that the only person who determines if those debts will weigh you down is yourself.

[ He smiles softly. He wishes he could say those debts don't matter when you're reborn - but Fandaniel stands as a testament to it, a soul carrying scars so deep they seemed to manifest in each turn. Is it only the Ancient souls that carry these marks, or can new ones be made? ]

I think She would cherish any joy that you bring to her, no matter how small.

[ To Summer, he looks up after he speaks and flicks one ear. ]

Y'shtola and Urianger spent time studying all those theories and books, you know - from quite a young age. There's no reason you could not learn to do the same.

[ His ears perk up a little. ]

I for one would be happy to teach you proper research habits - and to find something you are interested in studying.

Edited 2022-06-30 03:55 (UTC)

[ He's never been any kind of scholar, nor much of a talker even. The wordplay of academic debate is something Ezar finds alien at best and deeply baffling at worst. Though in this case, he doesn't greet what G'raha says from that angle. ]

I don't know why you say that as if we've disagreed on anything. [ He smiles, a soft expression that finds most its use in dreams. ] Perhaps you're wrong about what I think in this case.

[ He hasn't necessarily disagreed every other time either of them have implied they know what he thinks, even though he has not necessarily agreed either.

Still smiling, he curls in a bit more to nuzzle his face against G'raha's stomach. ]

[ Ezar's comment gets G'raha's ears perking up, then flattening down in embarrassment. ]

I merely meant -

[ But he knows exactly the kind of thing Ezar is pointing out, and he sighs a bit, his fingers finding their way into Ezar's hair again. ]

...I don't think we disagree, no. I simply don't think it wise to carry your 'mistakes' as something to be held against you, by divinity or otherwise. Does that make sense?

All life's connected, amongst each other and the star itself, givin' and takin' all the time and we're all in the balance together.

[ He traces a shape on G'raha's thigh with his fingertip, the interconnecting lines of a web. ]

If the good I do matters, so does the ill. Can't keep one and ignore the other.

[ He snorts. ]

But I'm no... philosopher or anything such as that. That's just as I was taught and there's no reason to argue over it.

[ Another soft snort that turns into a sigh. Thinking about talking that much, about trying to argue out ideas, already feels exhausting. G'raha would run circles around him anyway. He could talk the leaves off a tree. ]

'sides, I think I'd know what I'd do, now, if I could have one selfish thing and it'd work.

I'd go home with the both of you.

Edited 2022-06-30 22:04 (UTC)

[Summer's been listening quietly up until this point, mulling both over G'raha's offer — and trying to determine what, if anything, she would even have an interest in pursuing, what she cares about, what's important enough to her that she would want to devote hours upon hours of study to unraveling it — but it's Ezar's decision that draws her back out of her thoughts and into the flow of conversation.

He'd follow them home if he could, selfishly? He must mean joining the Scions, then. And he hadn't known the outcome of Ala Mhigo, so he must be from a time before she or any of the others left for the First — back when she and G'raha were still a world apart, themselves. He would keep this, he means. Be a part of them. And that's —

It's such an abrupt change from his insistence that he's not like them that she almost doesn't want to poke at it any further, for fear of shattering the fragile thread of hope it rests on. Whatever's made him come around to the idea, it's enough. And as for bringing them together...

Well.]

There. Might be a way it could work. Sometime when we're not all like this, there's something we should test.

[The power of the seat of Azem is to call allies from far afield, isn't it? So maybe between the two of them, herself and G'raha...]

And I know what I would study, if I could. For myself, the Ancients. And for the star...to find a cure for tempering. That's what I would do, if I knew I would get it.

[ G'raha's clearly gearing up to argue something about taking the negative with the positive - but when Ezar says there's no reason to argue he does, at least, let his ears relax down from where they had stiffened up and lets out a soft sigh. He keeps petting Ezar's hair as he speaks, and when he says he'd come back - well.

He's got much the same thought process as Summer, if he's honest. That to pull Ezar with them might not be impossible, if they only remembered. His hand stills, looking over at her when she speaks. ]

Maybe. Certainly not now, when magic is running high.

[ And then she says that and G'raha's eyes widen just a little bit. He's careful not to react too obviously, lest he spoil the truth for her - but there's a fractional jump of surprise in the synchrony. ]

You would be well assisted by Alisaie, I think, in that endeavor.

[ Not a lie, but not spoiling the truth for her, either. ]

And there is no one saying you can not study the Ancients and what they left. You still have access to the First; Emet-Selch's magics remain. They shall inevitably fade, and he did bade you remember.

Perhaps knowing what the Ancients are, as well, there are secrets not yet found across the rest of Hydaelyn.

[ Ezar does not believe for one second that there is a way such a thing could happen. He's read too much about how "going home" works in this place. Returning, out of his control, will be the final act of a delayed death sentence and he has accepted it. So for him, it is more wistful wish than anything... but he does not expect them to understand that, because he's told no one that truth, and he has no intention of doing so. There's no point.

So the best course is agreeing, he thinks, to something he knows to be futile. It is an ultimately harmless lie and better than the truth. A world he can pretend could exist, an adventure he might tentatively dream of going on, wherever it might lead. It's easy to offer that kind of idea when he knows it cannot happen. ]

What manner of thing to test?

[ He has nothing to say or ask, after. What they've already said about the Ancients has been interesting, and made him curious, but he can't think of a way to ask any of the questions on his mind without revealing too much. ]

When Raha mentioned the magicks he used to pull us across the rift — and then the same ones that Elidibus used thereafter, summoning phantoms of heroes? It's — well.

[The edge of her lip catches beneath her teeth, and she casts a quick glance in G'raha's direction.]

In what you remember. Have you heard me mention the name "Azem" before?

I know who they are, yes. You've explained a bit.

[ More than a bit, of course, but that goes against the spirit of his keeping things from her. ]

Azem's power to summon their friends to their side is one I know about. Do you think it could be paired with the magic to call across the rift?

[ He can't deny - the times he's seen it used, the magic seemed to work similarly. ]

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