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[voidgates]

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TEXT ✧ AUDIO ✧ VIDEO ✧ ACTION

SUMMER ICARIAN ✦ FINAL FANTASY XIV (WoL OC)
RESIDENCE ✦ Residency
GEMBOND ✦ Ruby

"...ltros, what are you doing with that, put that down right now you little —"

INFO ✧ PERMISSIONS ✧ KINKLIST ✧ EXTRA

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[basura_boi]

[ Long pause as he's thinking this all through. With bonus internal cringe at being informed he's being dismal again. ]

think maybe i take your meaning

but i'm your mate otherwise why would i be shoppin with you

[ Carefully setting aside that he's still fucking mystified how he's ended up with G'raha and Summer. I don't have to understand it, I just have to accept it. ]

...

oh no did lavai think i was askin them out or somethin

they're very nice and deserve nice things

[voidgates]

they were asking you out rolanberry
multiple times
or asking you on an outing at least

you just kept saying "but why would i do that" until they took the hint and stopped asking

[basura_boi]

...well fuck
that would be a terrible idea for them though 'm no fun

they're a fun person they oughta be askin other fun people like you or raha or megumi or some such aye

aymeric mayhap

hells, obsidian
he's got a sense of humor

[voidgates]

if you keep that up you're going to wind up having upset both them and me

does that make it a terrible idea when i spend time with you too?

[basura_boi]

[ Face in hands. ]

i am not going to answer that question because it is obviously a trap

[voidgates]

this is the part i don't understand rolanberry
why are you so convinced that you're right and everyone else is wrong about you

you've decided things about yourself
and anytime anyone says otherwise you decide that they're wrong
and they must be wrong because what they're saying doesn't match what you think

but what makes you so convinced you're right and we're not

[basura_boi]

i've known myself a lot longer than any of you have aye

if i went tellin you things about yourself you didn't feel like were true

would you just think ah yes i've been wrong about myself all along?

dunno

mayhap some of it's just me bein dismal like i always am an some of it's the habits of ten years i ain't yet broke

but

you ever wonder if mayhap i got my own reasons to see myself so?

[voidgates]

yes
i would stop and consider it at least
because listening to the people who care about you is part of having arms

when i thought i was turning into a lightwarden you told me i was beautiful
and i didn't feel beautiful
i felt like a monster
i was so sure i was turning into a monster
but you told me i wasn't and it made me stop and think that i might be wrong

but of course that's me
and you're not me and you're not like me
or so you always remind me in moments like this

so i'll just ask you instead
do you want me to start treating you the way you see yourself?

[basura_boi]

a fair point and i'm gonna have to think about it

an i deserve that hit as well for havin been such a thoughtless ass
even if i weren't gonna say that nor was thinkin it now
i am sorry i've spoken so badly so many times

honest answer is...

there's always part of me that thinks you an everyone else ought to treat me that way cause i deserve to be punished for all i done, to be alone so i can't ever hurt anyone else
but if you were the sort who would do that, we'd not be havin this conversation and you'd not be you
cause you'd have sent me on my way long ago instead of offerin me the choice to stay

an then the rest of me is just
so glad to not be alone any more
an so glad to be part of you not bein lonely any more either

sorry love i shouldn't have brought this to you
cause i know my gettin like this hurts you
an it don't matter that i didn't start off meanin to say any of this

[voidgates]

mmmm
it does bother me
but if you hadn't brought it to me what would you have done instead

i just
you said something early on
about how you're not fun but i am and the fun people should all stay together and not you

it's the same way you talk about it when you say i'm special and you're not
but it doesn't feel like a good thing to be special or fun that way

it bothers me because it feels like you're drawing a line between me and you
pulling away
leaving me alone

tis sort of backwards isn't it
you think you need to be alone so you don't hurt anyone
only that's the thing that bothers me most

i shouldn't take it so hard but sometimes i just can't help it

mayhap that's why lavai got upset about it too
only they're not quite like me
i think when they get sad they cut off the thing making them sad so it can't hurt them anymore

[basura_boi]

i dunno, probably sat around and felt stupid and then given up on tryin to figure it out

shit that's really not what i meant sayin you're fun an so is raha and them
more like
if you're gonna go be at a party wouldn't it be better to have someone who enjoys parties and talks to people and the like
s why i didn't say estinien in that list aye
cause his idea of fun's the same as mine an that's goin fishin and not talkin to anyone while doin it
put either of us at a normal person fun thing an we're just gonna escape out the window of the nearest loo aren't we

so then why take me to a party thing when i don't like parties and i'm just gonna get a fuckin headache after half a bell and want to go home anyway cause that ain't fair to someone who wants to go do stuff if i'm just draggin em away from it????

fuck why am i so bad at talkin

[voidgates]

mmm
mayhap that's the crux of it then

you were asking lavai why they would take you to a party
and they were answering why

but you didn't really want to know why they would do that
that was never the question at all
because to you it was obvious why you wouldn't have fun at one

but it wasn't obvious to them

[basura_boi]

fuck

well...if i'm bein honest love
i also got no idea why they'd want to be around me at all but
i am tryin to get better at it not matterin if i don't understand shit like that and just... acceptin it

not sayin i'm any good at that but
m tryin
kind of like you told me with raha back before aye

...so should i send them a message to tell them that what i meant is i don't like parties?

an i should've just said no to that bit right off aye
didn't want to disappoint them and i ended up makin it a lot worse

[voidgates]

for now i think you ought to leave them alone

if you rush off to try to fix it while it's still fresh in your mind
there's a good chance you'll still be all tangled up in your thoughts and make things worse again

i think you should read your conversation with them again
learn the way they talk
look for the point when they went one way and you went another

and then after you've had some time to settle, try again

[basura_boi]

aye you're no doubt right
you normally are about stuff like this

i'll give it some time and try to figure where i got it all tangled up

(also i promise that when you n raha do your wedding i won't escape out the window of the loo)

(an i'll make sure estinien don't either)

[voidgates]

what is it that you don't like about the parties

just too many people about?
too loud?

[basura_boi]

too many people

too loud

probably that's what makes the headaches

and just

i've never like bein around many people even when i was a kit aye
scares the daylights out of me

mum said i was just fool shy and i'd grow out of it

didn't grow out of it